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Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'." Customer: "Click 'OK'?" Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'." Customer: "Click 'OK'?" Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'." Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?" Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'." Pause. Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'." Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???" Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?" Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'." Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'." Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'." Customer: "Oh." Tech Support: "Now we have to start over." Customer: "Why?" Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'." Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?" Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top." Customer: "Ok." I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer. Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'." Pause. Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'." And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE." Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--" Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!" Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search." Customer: "How do I do that?" We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer. Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type 'A' colon and press enter." Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?" Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple." Customer: "Ummm...what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is." Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?" Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?" Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'." Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?" Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens." Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now." Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key." Customer: "How do I get it?" Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key." Customer: "How to you spell that?" Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon." Customer: "I can't find the colon." Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'." Customer: "How do I get it?" Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key." Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it." Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'." Customer: "Where's that?" This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb. A customer wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet. So I spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the Plugin Pack and rebooting. Customer: "So are we done yet?" Tech Support: "Not yet." I spent still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him. Customer: "So are we done yet?" Tech Support: "Not yet." I spent still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting his preferences. Netscape started fine at this point. Customer: "So are we done yet?" Tech Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now." Customer: "How do I do that?" I spent still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL. Customer: "It's not working!" Tech Support: "Where are you trying to go?" He gave me the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty. Tech Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it down correctly?" Customer: "Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!" (click)   Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet." Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?" Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use Windows 95." Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?" Husband: "I can't connect." Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!" Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?" Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password." Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?" Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards." Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?" Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference." Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away." Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on." Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure." Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password." Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from him.) "HELLO?" Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here." Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE NAVY!" Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?" Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!" Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?" Tech Support: "No, what mail application...such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet Explorer..." Wife: "Microsoft Netscape." Tech Support: "Netscape?" Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape." Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News Preferences--" Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!" Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up now." Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way." Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail) Wife: "I'm not getting mail." Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?" Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in. Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN." (beep click click) Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use." Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!" Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--" Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much money!" Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings." Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things." Tech Support: "All we did was--" Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click) I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it was was a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software. Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!" Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?" Customer: "An icon? Desktop??" Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?" Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?" Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'." Customer: "What is 'shift'??" Customer: "My modem is not working." Tech Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?" Customer: "I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone." Tech Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?" Customer: "I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won't work." Tech Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now." Customer: "Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it." Tech Support: "Is anything running into the wall?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that's it?" Customer: "Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?" Tech Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial." Customer: "What's a modem?